Disquieted soul hard to placate

So since I decided to start this blog I have been incessantly irritated by thoughts that are screaming for release. I suppose that is a direct result of the repression I have dealt them for such a long time. I finally came to the realization that I haven't written actively for so long because I haven't allowed myself the luxury. The luxury of time, concentration, focus and peace. Solitude is something that is in short supply in my home where pre-kinders rule the roost, and unfortunately I feel like in starting this blog I have unknowingly opened Pandora's box.

Now my compulsion to write is turning into an annoying distraction. Not in the doing of it, but in the wanting of it. I lie in bed at night with my mind racing, thinking about all the things that I am keeping on a low boil ready to erupt at any time. My mind is screaming for me to get up and write - to get it out. But somehow I'm frozen at the edge of the water wanting to jump in; restraining myself because to give in to the instinct would be a devotion of time and energy that at this point in my life I fear I cannot make. I am also afraid of giving myself over to something that could become an indulgence when my family is so very much in need of my sacrificial service.

I haven't made peace with my spirit yet, perhaps because my desire has to be channeled into something more glorious and purposeful than just my single life. It has to be filtered through what God's will is for my life. To write without consideration of Him would be to pursue my own plan for my own gratification; and although I still have a voice it is a polluted one. Bringing Him into this all-important aspect of my life will purify and intensify that voice so that it does more than just bring me peace. If I can find His voice in me, maybe it can change lives.

And so it is with us all. We all have something; and what we do with it will determine the impact it makes in this life and the next.